As a surrogate, I think many of us get this picture in our mind of how we hope things will be. We may not all have the same vision, but there may be similarities. I love being pregant and want to share my blessing with someone who may not be able to . I can not explain it, but I have this drive to be a surrogate. It is amazing! When I got started, I pictured having this beautiful friendship with my IPs. I pictured our families getting together and having fun and sharing a wonderful bond. I thought I would get updates once or twice a year and pictures, along with invites to the surro baby’s birthdays. During the journey, I pictured the IM coming to some of the appointments and looking so full of excitement. I also figured she will have tons of questions about what I was going through and would enjoy feeling the baby move around. After all, I am pregnant for her, not me, and I want to share the entire experience….good, bad, ect. As it turns out and with many things in life……..ideas are not always reality. Sometimes, reality plays out different and may catch you off guard or even be painful. I am not trying to be negative here, just honest. In fact, it is not always a bad thing, when this occurs.
There have been times when I am confussed and upset about my previous journeys. Mostly the second one. She did not come to any appointments only the ”big ultrasound”. She never even felt the baby kick. She was never concerned with details or asked questions. Do not get me wrong, that could be a good thing, I have heard of some overbearing IPs (to be expected though the surro is carring their baby, they are probably nervous). I just could not comprehend, why I have not heard from her since the birth. Why she could never respond to any of my e-mails. I am puzzled because I assume that when someone does something so huge, you are overly grateful and want to keep that individual close to you. At the same time, I can be rational. I respect who she is and that she has to handle it in her own way. I have accepted it. I am ok with it now. Plus, it turns out that she did send me a Christmas Gift, and it was an adorable picture of her and the boy!!! It was very sincere. It let me know that she is thankful and very happy. I think I finally have the peace I needed. I kinda even feel silly and selfish or closeminded.
I decided to ask my current IM, what contact she would like to have after the birth. I felt that we should all be on the same page and understand one another. I was not worried about what her response would be. I was ready for anything she may say and I love my IPs and it would not lessen my desire to bring them their precious gift. I just want a more realistic picture. As I read the reply to my question, it dawned on me that I have no idea what an IM has to go through. I have no idea how they feel deep down, and what they are thinking. I truely want to have a better understanding. I think it will help me as a surro and as a person.
Ty, my IM, was so honest with me, it was great. I am so thankful that she feels that she can be. I do not feel that I should go into detail about what she wrote to me. Lets just say that it was a good response and now have a realistic vision.
I have come to an inner understanding as I have seen what other IMs write on the surrogate boards and some IMs that I know, have shared with me. I am deeply saddened that they can not carry their own child. Although I can bring them a child, I can never truely make their deepest desires a reality. That pain may never disappear. They will be eternally grateful, but they may not be able to handle staying in close contact. Some IPs, need to cut ties with their surrogate and concetrate on the new life they have been given. That may mean, only once a year updates, or none at all. It just depends on the IPs. It is a personal issue and a surro needs to be sensative to it. I feel that there have been times when I was not, and I hate that. I have heard people say that surrogacy is such a selfless act, and yet sometimes we are selfish. We want the fantasy journey and it clouds are judgement. Sorry!!!
I do not know what will happen with this journey or my next (yes, I will most likely do it again!!). I only hope that I can keep the proper perspective on it all. I know that the purpose is to bring my IPs a baby, anything else is a sweet bonus. Just knowing the happiness I will have brought them for the rest of their life is the fantasy journey brought to reality!!
Ty and Lee…..thank you for blessing my life, choosing me to be your surrogate and allowing me to carry your baby, for trusting in me.
